Clari’s Whims

I know I mentioned in a post about moving on and actually trying to find a job. I know I mentioned that my one student teaching experience “soured” me. I did not, however, even begin to cover how much that placement altered me; for the worst.

I went into my instrumental placement saying that I wanted to do elementary general music. On the last day there, even after loving it, I still wanted to do general. After my elementary placement, I didn’t want to teach anything. Ever. It wasn’t the kids’ faults, or the schools. The blame goes squarely on my (un)cooperating teacher. From day one everything was an issue, from how I talked about my previous placement to what I did with my lunch time (there is no obligation to use that time for planning. It’s LUNCH.) It progressed from little problems to larger ones, until finally I was made to feel not only like an inadequate teacher, but an inadequate musician as well. There was nobody to talk to about this. The head of student teaching made it clear that she did not care how student teachers were treated; only how the co-ops were treated. I resolved to take my mistreatment and just get through it and graduate.

Four days before graduation, I walked in on my un-co-op trash talking me to the rest of the faculty in the lounge. Instead of apologizing she screamed at me, berated me, and put me down about my teaching. I spent the rest of the day crying and completely tanked my final clarinet jury; securing a C for the semester. Not the best ‘note’ to go out on…pardon the pun.

So that’s why I packed away my clarinet and resolved to not look for jobs. When I finally did start looking, I paled at the thought of teaching general music. I started looking for instrumental jobs. My instrumental placement was at least a positive one, even if I didn’t think i was cut out for it, I could do it and do it well.

An opportunity to attend Orff classes at West Chester while helping a blind student came up, and I wound up volunteering. Orff was my favorite and the professor who taught it was the absolute best. She has such a passion for teaching and for music, and she is down to earth and truly cares about her students. I hoped that going back to Orff would rejuvinate my love of elementary music. The morning of the class I realized that my uncooperative might be there, but I resolved to be strong.

When I got to the class I was relieved that she wasn’t there, but one of my sisters I haven’t seen in a long time was. While talking to my sister, “she” entered the room. I blanked and could not even talk for a good two minutes. I literally think something died inside of me. We exchanged good mornings and BS ‘how are yous’ and ‘what are you doing heres?’ Luckily she was not in the same class.

At lunch, however, we all ate in the lounge. She was there. She asked curtly, “So, are you learning a lot?” I replied that I was and she obnoxiously said, “Well, I hope you learned at least something from your student teaching with me.” I replied very coldly that of course I did; it’s impossible not to learn ANYTHING. I made sure she understood that I was not referring to good things that I learned.

After lunch we had recorder with a lady named Gloria and I was invited to play along. My recorder was an octave higher than everyone else’s, so I stuck out like a giant thumb. I was tentative at first, but then relaxed and played along. No one was judging me. No one was waiting to hear a wrong note, and for the first time in a long time, I was relaxed,  pretty accurate, fairly confident, and enjoying music!

At the end of the day I walked out with Gloria and Ann, the professor I mentioned earlier. Gloria raved about how great a musician I was in her class; how I just sat down and played and I was going to be the best Orff teacher and she couldn’t wait for me to take the Orff levels.

I looked at the both of them and tried to explain how much that meant to me. I had to mention that I’d had a bad experience student teaching and that I wasn’t even looking for jobs or playing. I didn’t say anything beyond that, but Ann immediately let me know that she was now in charge of student teaching and that she wanted to know what happened and who it was, so that she could avoid sending them student teachers in the future. That alone meant the world to me. She knew me well enough as a student, a teacher, and a professional that she knew something terrible had happened at that placement. I thanked both ladies profusely and got in my car and cried, I was so happy. Gloria said the first positive things I’d heard about my teaching and musicianship since my first student teaching placement, and Ann assured me that I indeed had someone who would listen to me.

I wound up going back to the class again today. I knew I’d be facing my demons once more. Not only did I have to see my uncooperative, but I had to get up the courage to tell Ann exactly what happened with student teaching. I spoke in general terms about it with Maria (Gloria’s sister and the other instructor) in the morning, I guess as a sort of a warm-up. I left out names and locations, but she got the basic story. Maria immediately stated that no teacher should act like that, no matter who they are teaching; child or adult. She assured me that I was well on the right track as far as teaching, that I was very musical, and that whoever I was with must have been petty and insecure. She said that my un-co-op felt so poorly about herself that she had to put me down to make herself feel good. I never really considered that; I just thought she was a mean person. It almost makes me feel sorry for her; that she’s still so immature that she has to act the age of her students; picking on a successful kid to hide her own feelings of insecurity. 

I met with Ann at lunch and went over everything; from the negative, childish comments, to the un-professional discussion of current and former student teachers. I think the lack of professionalism really got to Ann. I wound up almost in tears, and she hugged me and thanked me for talking to her. I was so grateful that I was able to, because as I mentioned, her predecessor would not listen even to serious complaints like I had.

I left today a mix of emotions. As my usual self, I was immediately worried that my uncooperative would be denied a student teacher and figure out why. Worse, I worried that she would be told why and seek me out to take out her anger. Maybe she would tell them that I was a terrible student teacher and a liar. Who knew? I calmed down and realized that I did what was right. No other young teacher should have to go through the verbal negativity that I endured. By talking to Ann, I put that woman’s actions out in the open. From here it isn’t my choice, but I did what I could. If she doesn’t get another student teacher, I realized that I hope she knows why. Even if she denies it on the surface and plays innocent, I think she’ll know deep down inside that it was because she was inappropriate and unprofessional with me.

I’m hoping that I can finally put all of this behind me. I had a lot of positive encouragement from “the ladies with the fabulous hair” as another instructor calls them, and I have a bit of closure about student teaching, thanks to Ann. The world needs more teachers and more people who are like these three ladies. Hopefully, as a teacher I can be like them someday. Hopefully as a person, I already am.