Baby Blues
I don’t remember if I posted anything about this yet or not,(I looked…there was a short blurb about it but not much. I’ll recap:) but in August or so my fiance and I found out that his sister was five months pregnant. It was quite a shock, since she was otherwise single and definitely had been careful in the past. She is also 32, and all of her friends have young or newborn babies…
That being said, I went through a full and crazy range of emotions since the day that I heard the news. I was obsessed and fixated on her pregnancy. I went from feeling intrigued and completely shocked, to being jealous, scared, and downright angry. It was very difficult to sort out all of these feelings, as you can imagine.
I mentioned before that I was angry because she hurt a man who loved her and then wound up pregnant by another man very shortly after that. I was also upset at the thought that she gets to have a child before I do. I think she did it on purpose because her biological clock is ticking. Glenn and I are getting married in June and I feel like I can’t wait for children some days. It just didn’t occur to me that she would ever have children, let alone so soon. I was also really upset at the thought of her “stealing my thunder” so to speak. Apparently other women understand this, but men think it is insane. Naturally, my fiance’s response was, “You do realize that this wasn’t just to upstage you…that it actually has NOTHING to do with you???” At least the baby will be six months by our wedding. I still don’t really want her to bring her to the wedding.
The morning that we got a voicemail from Emily, almost in tears, telling us that she’d had the baby and she was perfect and beautiful…I wanted to cry. All day I wanted to cry and I couldn’t quite figure out why. Glenn called her that night and the whole time he was on the phone I just cried over my future-niece’s perfectness and how her eyes will probably stay blue, and she will be everything that I want in a baby. I feel like when I finally have a child, I can’t top it. This baby has no birth marks, she was a C section, so no cone-shaped head…she doesn’t even look like a newborn. She really is beautiful.
We went to see Emily and little Sophia on Tuesday night. I was surprisingly well composed (considering how much emotional turmoil I was going through for the past four months or so) I still can’t really believe that she has a baby. I can’t believe that someday I will too…and it will be exciting and scary and I will both want it and be terrified of the endless responsibility. I babysit almost everyday, and there are so many days where I just think “thank god I can go home and I don’t have any children waiting for me. I just have peace and quiet and my sanity!” But even still, I can’t wait to be a parent with Glenn. I hope that our baby is perfect and beautiful and even more amazing than any other when we finally have one.
He is going to be the best dad EVER.
Glenn and little Sophia (Sofia?)
